All Hail Campus Protectionism!

Eric Sharp
Feb 6, 2012 at 12:48 PM

Check out this satirical letter I wrote for the Opinions section of MTSU's student newspaper Sidelines. If it reads like my previous satirical letter in Sidelines this is quite intentional.

Aramark, our food services provider, recently enacted a rule at MTSU that student organizations could only have one bake sale per semester (excluding Greek organizations of course). We speculate that this is because our YAL chapter sold too many tasty tamales and apple pies. MTSU is not the kind of campus where it is easy to walk or drive 5 minutes away for lunch at back in time for class, so the cartel granted by contract particularly effects what choices and prices students have to deal with. Aramark is a large company and may even be doing the same thing on your campus.

Anyway, on with the letter:

Dearest Aramark:

You, my favorite of food-service giants, have recently undertaken some measures, which I must praise.

Specifically, you have insisted that a section of your contact with MTSU be enforced – the one that binds radicals and hooligans in "student organizations" to a satisfactory one bake sale per semester.

I must applaud your protectionist efforts at safeguarding your corporate monopoly profits.

Some members of the university community have taken issue with this action, but not I! No!

Some will insist that this is an unnecessary burden upon student organizations designed to protect your profits at the expense of the well being of the student community.

But they are foolish neophytes. It is very important to stop impudent upstarts from interfering in your cartel. The profits protected by this most choice maneuver are negligible, but it is important to uphold the principle of monopoly protection. I do know that Aramark is a corporate conglomerate of principles, and I fully endorse your actions to protect those principles.

After all, what would become of MTSU if ruffians and radicals were allowed to freely buy and sell food on your campus? Why, that would be craven anarchy of the vilest sort.

If not for your esteemed actions, students would be stalked by the toxic menace of choice. Can you, dear corporation, imagine students being faced with options as to where and what to eat on campus? They indeed have enough on their plate without having to choose their plate.

Choices mean instability, your monopoly structure has restored culinary calm to our True Blue campus. Continue to disregard calls for a freed market for food.

In Complete Sarcasm,

Eric Sharp

If Aramark or a similar company is doing anything similar on your campus I urge you write a something like this to your newspaper and urge your university to opt for freed food markets on your campus rather than granting a monopoly to an ill-deserving company.